TCU has an overpopulation problem.Now I’m not talking about residence hall overcrowding or the lack of sufficient office or classroom space. All of that has been discussed ad nauseam. I’m talking about three specific things that have nothing to do with academia: squirrels, grackles and feral cats.

The Physical Plant has tried its best to curb a couple of these plagues.

TCU now has a feral cat program that allows for officials to catch the felines, spay or neuter them and then release them back onto campus. The idea is that, by making it impossible for our existing cats to reproduce, the entire population will eventually decrease or die out. That’s great, as long as no more move in to the artificially secure habitat we’ve created for them.

As far as the grackles are concerned, who hasn’t heard the evening serenade from the horns on the Physical Plant’s souped-up utility truck as it blasts the birds out of trees?

Sure, these plans are humane, but they’re not very much fun. Instead, I’ve got a modest suggestion that might just end our problems forever: birds of prey.

Edward Cook, a birdkeeper at the Fort Worth Zoo, suggested a couple of species that would act as natural predators, helping decrease the surplus population.

First, we have the Cooper’s Hawk, a bird that, he says, is native to our region. These birds are roughly the size of crows, and they feast on small rodents and other birds (grackles, specifically). Cook says the biggest drawback to these hunters is that they wouldn’t make much of a dent in a population our size. But at least it’s a start.

If we want something with a little more oomph, we might want to try Cook’s next suggestion: the Harpy Eagle, a South American bird with a penchant for sloths and monkeys. He says the ones they have at the zoo eat rodents, making this specimen a perfect fit for TCU.

This plan has definite pluses. Not only would we bring order to such overpopulation, we would also create a TCU ecosystem. The biology department could use it as a living laboratory, and the art department could send its students to sketch the forms of these magnificent creatures.

Imagine, if you will, a hawk perched like a gargoyle-like sentinel atop Sadler Hall. Below him, a squirrel tries to run to shelter in a nearby tree. Instantly, the bird plunges down at 50 mph, scoops up the tiny mammal in his talons and takes him home as his prized catch.

It would be a true thing of beauty.

But, for all the benefits we could reap from having a convocation of eagles or a cast of hawks on campus, there are some drawbacks. Those touring campus probably wouldn’t be fond of watching a bird tear a kitten limb from limb in front of the Student Center. There’s also an availability issue with the eagle: It’s an endangered species, so only zoos can obtain them, legally.

I think, however, that it’s worth a shot. And if we can’t get birds of prey, we could move on to bigger predators. Coyotes and badgers, for example, hunt prairie dogs, which are roughly the same size as our pests. If we’re desperate, we can always throw in a couple cougars. Maybe they would pick off a few of the weaker freshmen, as well.

Now I know there are people out there who think I’m being heartless. These people are wondering how I could call for the gruesome killing of such cute little animals.

My response: This is war, people. It’s us against them. Unless we take a stand to maintain our habitats, we will be overrun. They may be cute, but they’re also ruthless and deadly, and they will stop at nothing to steal our homes, our food and our livelihoods. Besides, it’s the circle of life, the wheel of fortune, if you will. This is exactly what would happen in nature.

If you’re still not convinced, ask yourself these questions: How many times have you come face to face with a squirrel on the sidewalk, unsure of how to proceed for fear he might bite you? How many of our Horned Frog compatriots have fallen victim to random grackle bombing raids? How often have you given your food to an unfortunate-looking tabby just because you felt sorry for him?

These creatures will stop at nothing for campus domination. We must stop them before anyone else is forced to suffer.

Brian Wooddell is a senior news-editorial journalism major from The Woodlands.