Three years and nine months ago, my senior friends, you were probably sitting in an auditorium hearing Nowell Donovan (if you don’t know who that is, he has been your provost and he is terrifically Scottish) tell you about how fantastic your academic voyage and growth will be whilst you pondered just how long four years could possibly be.

Well, 1,355 days, six parking tickets, two witty posters about beer pong (the first one may or may not have been damaged when an errant water balloon somehow made it through your dorm window destroying both it and your computer, as well as shattering the window), $2.5 trillion in construction, three bowl victories and somewhere around 40 finals later, you’re probably listening to Dr. Donovan tell your family and friends to please refrain from using air horns as you strut across the stage praying that there is a diploma in that little purple folder.

And don’t forget – it’s right hand shake, left hand grab diploma.

So what have you learned since Aug. 23, 2004? Allow me to help you out:

1.) “Library” is actually a Latin term that stands for Red Bull and Aderall.

2.) Tailgating isn’t an activity. It isn’t a pastime. It isn’t even a term to describe a gathering in a parking lot outside of a football game. It is a bloodsport, and I swear that if I don’t consume enough Shiner Bock to flood a small village, I am not an American, let alone a four-year Texan.

3.) Free food is a double-edged sword. While it is a great way to bolster your beer fund, fat pants start to cost a lot. Free T-shirts on the other hand? Bring it on.

4.) When you run across University Drive, the key is commitment. Remember – if you can’t see them, they can’t see you, thus making you invincible to oncoming traffic. Also, according to my roommate, if you get hit by a car, you get a 4.0 for the semester.

5.) Finally, gentlemen, if an attractive girl waves to you from across the sidewalk, you always, always, always look behind you before waving back. Chances are that there is an equally attractive Tri-Delt or Kappa right there. Awkward situation averted.

Well, you’ve only got a few hundred more folks to get their diplomas, then it’s “Hail, All Hail,” and you’re out of here. Class of 2008, you are dismissed.

Andrew Wilson is a senior accounting major from St. Louis.