TCU students and faculty alike awoke on Sept. 15 to an email from Provost Nowell Donovan titled “To Those Who Would Study.”

The email was a response to a colorful conversation the Provost overheard while walking around campus. In the email, Donovan wrote that the administration is doing everything it can to improve the study spaces available to TCU students, whether it be in the library or elsewhere on campus. 

But that’s not what caught students’ attention. 

Could this email really be revealing an ancient society? Has the Provost, or “HIM” as he referred to himself in the email, finally let in on a legendary faculty secret?

While it is common knowledge to TCU students that an arcane double secret probationary society known as “THEM” exists on campus, little is know about the organization. Here, finally, was the evidence that many students, or “YOU”, have longed for years to obtain.

In the email, Donovan admitted that the headquarters of “THEM” is located on the fourth floor of Sadler Hall and their nefarious minions have been analyzing students’ study habits for years. 

“You don’t join it. It’s very exclusive. In fact I’m the only person who knows who is in it,” said Donovan. 

Donovan talked of a few members however, claiming that Chancellor Boschini’s title was “SUPER-HIM” and head coach Gary Patterson was known as “THE ALIEN.” Donovan was also kind enough to warn students about which side student body president Cody Westphal was on. 

“He’s ambiguous,” said Donovan.” I mean I think he has aspirations to join ‘THEM’, so keep an eye on that young man.” 

“HIM” would not explain what rituals were involved in joining “THEM”, however he did say they might eventually involve walking the to be created bridges from the library to Rees-Jones Hall. Donovan said these bridges would be referred to as the “Walk of Enlightenment.” 

Donovan said the email was partially meant to serve as a peace treaty between “THEM” and “YOU.” He said the two sides should not be at war because they are fighting a common enemy. He said “THEM” is not trying to impede “YOU” from learning, but rather trying to help “YOU.” 

“We are on the same side,” said Donovan. “And the battle is with ignorance.” 

Although it served as a peace treaty, Donovan said the email was also meant for another purpose. He said “THEM” is doing all it can to assist in the learning that students desire and that these renovations to campus are a big part of it. 

Donovan said he knows the closing of a large section of the library is putting stress on students. However when it reopens, Donovan said the library will have many additions including more study and meeting areas, expanded food services, an Idea Factory and many more new technologies.

Donovan said most responses from students have been positive about the renovations taking place. He has heard a lot of excitement about the technologies already available in Rees-Jones and encourages all students to go check them out.

Moreover, if the two sides were to go to war, Donovan gave insight as to who would win in certain competitions. In a big “Family Feud” game, he said “YOU” would win merely because of the numbers they possess. 

In a Scrabble match, Donovan noted that the honors students would definitely have an advantage but noticeably did not mention how the rest of the student body would do. Finally if it came to a 3-on-3 basketball game, Donovan said “YOU” would win.

“’THEM’ are physically pathetic!” said Donovan.

Perhaps with the arcane double secret probationary society finally out in the open and Provost Donovan reaching out with this peace treaty, the feud between “THEM” and “YOU” will finally be over. Then again, maybe not…